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thursday

a friend asked me whether he deserves any help from me, i said ‘no until you think you deserve.’ i felt his disappointment. forgive me. my mind was so blank.

friday

graduation ceremony. the hall was full of applause, i felt so lonely. people were hailing everywhere, but the noises were so far from me. i went to sudut celik minda and sit alone there. reviewing messages, my tears started to drop. people were walking around so i decided to go to a quiet place. seeing the field, feeling the breeze, i thought of many things. memories were everywhere in the school. i missed the past. friday was the last day of my secondary school life, and my problem remained unsolved. i knew i had to go back to hall the latest at 1125, but i couldn’t make it. my tears couldn’t stop dropping. i tried to persuade myself ‘every thing will be alright, just get up and get prepared to perform’, but i felt so reluctant to stand up. finally i made a call and told my classmates that i couldn’t make it. my class guys were running everywhere to find me, zoonhoong found me near the staff room. i couldn’t say anything besides ‘i’m sorry’. at last i went to the hall, not for performing but watching my class performance. i apologize for making my friends worry.

saturday

i woke up early in the morning, but i still couldn’t decide whether i should go guide’s farewell gathering or not. feeling tired mentally and physically, i fell asleep again. when i woke up again it was already 900. the event started at 830, i had to decide as fast as i could. i would get either more hurt or a solution. i couldn’t afford any hurt more, yet i decided to attend, i didn’t want to lose any chance. zero communication from the start until the very last minute of the event. when the classroom was going to be locked, she took her chair and sit in front of me. she said ‘ling i have something to tell you’. she cried. ‘i don’t know why you quit, i want to ask you but i don’t dare. we know each other for 10 years, but now we don’t even greet when we saw each other in school.’ i cried. i said in my heart ‘when i resigned many guides asked me why i did so, but i was waiting for yours. in school when i saw you i didn’t know what to do, so i pretended that i was looking other place else, i wanted to know what would you do. you saw me but you passed by me just like nothing has happened. i was waiting for your wish on my birthday, but i couldn’t get any. few weeks ago you sent me a message on friendship, i forwarded it back to you, but nothing more happen.’ ‘this week, i saw you many times. we were going to graduate but we still didn’t greet each other. i felt so sad and cried badly while graduation ceremony. you saw me, and i could feel something in your eyes. and now you are brave enough to break the ice, i shall do it too. but i don’t know what to say. too many things happen in these 6 months and sorry i can’t end this in a minute.’ that afternoon, we ate ice-cream and went buy things together. we talked few sentences. finally others left, we took bus, stop at the same station and walked to home together as what we used to do. in the bus, we sit quite far apart, the last word we said was ‘bye’, when we reached the junction which separates our home.

when i reached home

i was damn happy.

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if emotional means like to be alone suddenly and don’t like to smile, these few days i’m emotional. what makes me act so? i’m not sure too. when graduation is so near to me, i think about what have i done in these 5 years in kwanghua. form1, i did nothing, i was in a noisy class, and was quite disobedient, the main aim to go school was to go school, other than that, i guess i went school to play trick on others. form2, i was in a better class. this class made me feel comfortable. students here were much more obedient. maybe because of better environment, i got better result. my result allowed me to go to the best class in form3. i was unhappy. that year was miserable for me. it was the year i started to conduct events in guide. because of that too, problems occurred. after all these i learnt that woman is a complicated body. in pmr trial, i was busy of guide’s stuff. i got 3As. out of 8 subjects there were 3 subjects i got 75%. very unexpectedly, i got 8As in pmr. i didn’t really put more effort than what i did in trial, because since form3, i put all my life in guide. i didn’t expect much from guide, as i know i learnt a lot of things there. resignation let me to get rid off nothing except complicated situation made by a group of women. then i was arranged to s1. honestly i don’t like to learn things in school, it’s important but it’s quite meaningless. save all kinds of theory and things not very interesting to me in mind and got to pour all out in exam, and the result will decide every thing including my future undertakings. i stopped tuition since form3, people may not believe but it’s simply because of i wanted to spend more time for guide. my result in form4 wasn’t excellent, but it was good enough for me. i’m easily contented, and dislike comparison. i was promoted to the assistant unit leader (1) / discipline mistress and public relation officer. before interview i was a simple girl who hoped for perfection in guide stuff. after that i changed. i knew that not all people can follow my steps, i made them couldn’t breathe and started to hate me. i respect my seniors a lot, they understand me as well but they don’t understand the situation. it was a hard one. i was not strong but at least i believed myself that i won’t give up in any condition in guide. at last i ended all these with a resignation letter. after few months later i think it’s simply because of the situation. i judge myself as a strong person now as i can stay until the last 2 months before retiring. in form5, one day suddenly all problems came out, i admitted all of them, true or false, willingly or unwillingly, because i didn’t have choice. i don’t like wars, and i have the responsibility to end all these. i met a indecisive leader, who now i think she may do nothing last time because i was a treat for her, i had to surrender. i don’t care how unfair it was, how much things i lose, but i must defend my very last piece of dignity, in a peace way. i decided to go, and i never regret, although i was unhappy. i sacrifice almost every thing of mine, but i get nothing more than hurt and sadness. now i lose everything, in academic i didn’t achieve very well, in guide i get nothing. at last, i end my secondary school life with empty hands. some people say i just can’t let it off. please imagine you are hurt badly by a friend who you know for 10 years. i will never forget this until the last day of my life although my wound will heal. what i need is time. it’s always the best solution. 人不为己天诛地灭. at last i learnt this as lesson. friends? i have, but actually how many friends of mine understand what i feel? for my situation sharing isn’t enough. aimless. that’s why i’m such emotional.

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it has been a long time i didn’t post any recent events of mine here. spm is just ‘around the corner’ as usual. another better reason is i find no topic to be written here. my 17th birthday has passed, and i experience changes slowly. my status now turns from a girl to a woman (or young woman if you think i’m still acting childish). spm will take place in a month while graduation ceremony in 2 weeks time. many people tell me that they feel reluctant to leave, especially girls who are more sentimental. 2 weeks, really not many days left. we can’t predict what will happen to the friendships or whatever relationships between ourselves and our school mates. in 2 weeks time we have to bid farewell to kwanghua, a place where kh students study, play and grow for 5 years. in 2 weeks time we have to bid farewell to high school student’s identity, and become ‘uncles’ or ‘aunties’ in the eyes of juniors. in 2 weeks time, we have to step to real world, mix in real society, experience real obstacles and pains, no matter how unwillingly we are. appreciate friends and the left time. adults always say that the most happy time they have ever had in their life is their secondary school life. just like 5 years ago, when we graduated from primary school and stopped playing scissors paper stone (sometimes people - including me is still playing that ‘game’ to make decision), we are going to face the same process once again but with different feeling, thought and circumstance. future, a word that worries many spm candidates appears frequently recently. to the school: thanks for every thing, the happiness and sadness. to all my friends: good luck in spm, future and life. we will decide the route we are about to take, but let destiny decides what and who will we meet.

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when time is about to 0000 of 28th september 2009, i received a number of messages. thanks to all my friends who remember my birthday. for some people, forget one’s birthday is an act of insincere. for some people, birthday is just another day. for me, it’s a beginning of new life. 17 years ago, i born and was introduced to this world, every thing is new and fresh. now, after 17 years of living, sometimes i wonder whether the passion towards life is still in my heart. life is a variety bucket, it contains every thing. what you learn and what you get from life depend on your decision. on the journey to school, engkeat plays a short recording of my friends, a nice song that sounds a bit melancholic. suits me. i am a mixture. sometimes act crazy and sometimes emotional. what people felt towards me is true. ‘looks a bit arrogant’ is first image of me. in addition i don’t like smile. this makes me different from other. who don’t like to be happy? every one hope and yes, me too. but being happy and smile always seem two different things for me. happy doesn’t mean i need to smile. and sometimes smiling doesn’t mean i’m happy. 优柔寡断. a very special property in me. i can do important decision and certainly after every decision is made, i will never regret. we have to be responsible to every thing we made. but i’m indecisive in making small decision. they are not ignorable because every detail is important. before the assembly, form4 guide juniors called me out of classroom and gave me a present. a photo frame. thanks to the juniors. proudly pn. chun, the discipline teacher too gave me a present - a stroke of rattan on my right palm for being late to assembly. what a happy opening before assembly. this is the first and will be the last stroke of rattan i get in kwanghua. after biology paper 3, a bit surprisingly a friend from s2, chuangkuang passed me a big plastic bag. thanks for the gift and the card, it’s beautiful. during recess engkeat tried to bring me out of the classroom by saying chongyew wants to give me something, so that my friends can prepare for a simple celebration. when i went back to class zhuzhin chased me out to the corridor. about a minute later, the door is opened, the classroom is dark but brightened by few colourful tanglungs and birthday song is sung. a nice celebration. thanks to all my classmates and friends. sumeng the milk assisted by boonx2 made chocolate cookies. hueimiin as usual creatively decorated a box and placed 10 rings inside. our engagement rings. lols. zhuzhin made a moon cake, and i’m going to eat later. engkeat made 2 dolls by thread. and there are many more friends who dedicate their wishes to me, thanks to every one.

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for weeks we attend replacement classes on saturday. it was tiring. about 6 hours per day, 6 days per week we have to sit in classroom, pay attention for lecture that never end, do endless homework as usual, and some have to go tuition classes after schooling. since august form5s have their ‘latihan berfokus’ prepared by ppd, and after that we have ‘gerak gempur’ prepared by jps and finally ‘trial’ prepared by the school. all kinds of exams with different names, take us months to finish. in another point of view, these so called exams are good as preparation for spm. anyway it’s really tiring, especially for some one like me who can only start touch those 200++ pages reference book at night. burning midnight oil isn’t a good way to memorize facts, however it’s my style- last minute work. sometimes even can’t finish the whole book. never mind, think very optimistically, it’s just a trial, not spm. 10 days of holiday, i spend about 3 days for sick, and some for rest. what a joyful holiday, this will be my last holiday before i graduate from kwanghua, another mother that teaches me a lot of things, goods and bads, confidence and disappointment. where will i go after graduation? wait for spm result or go work? not national service certainly. i’m not so sure about all these. in form4, i didn’t really think about these. for me it may be too fast or too young to do such a decision, especially i know i’m not mature enough. life is full of variables, but who knows that a simple choice can affect you throughout your life? about 52 days to go until spm. firstly i should make a plan so that i won’t revise at last minute before spm. secondly, i should think about my tertiary education. degree holders are seen everywhere. now the world is too competitive. psychology is my major choice, i’m interested in it. the problem is, i’m not sure whether i can do it well or not. honestly, i like to think, dream and imagine. can people like me do well in this field? i too heard that it’s not easy to study, and it maybe a road that has no turning back. and, to be a professional psychologist i have to go for master, about 1.5 more years to go after degree. going crazy when thinking all these, yet  we have to face it, and decide by self. my parents seem not really satisfy when i told them i’m interested in psychology. anyway, no matter what the final decision is on me. i shall make a decision.

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finally, my last last event of august 2009- 30-hour famine has passed. started from 1200 of 22 august until 1800 of 23august, i didn’t eat any solid food at all. drank about 4 packet drinks of yeo’s soya bean. this year the do-it-yourself camp i participated ‘a moment’ has less participants, about 120 people i heard and some participants didn’t attend the camp, most probably because of h1n1. my parents too strongly object me to participate the event as now h1n1 become more serious and common. the death rate has rose dramatically, much more higher than what in other countries. ‘malaysia boleh’. pity hou-ken who fell sicked. but he’s still so active in ‘kacau’-ing others, with creative and innovative ways during the camp and the gathering of all participants of this event at bukit jalir stadium. through this camp, i learn a lot of ‘ways of breathing’, something like yoga taught by teachers from ‘art of living’, another world non-profit organisation. all the ‘bashifuxifa’, ‘lalahuxifa’ and ‘yueliangxxxfa’. although i didn’t pay full concentration during the process of learning, but i think it’s a useful way to release stress as well regain energy and concentration. anyway a person hard to concentrate like me unable to understand and experience the objective we all practise that. knew some friends there, from kwanghua and ex-kwanghua students. my group, ultimate power is considered co-operative compared to others i heard. siaofei, my group member and di-er who fell sick didn’t attend the camp. unexpectedly, i saw my my father’s sister’s husband’s sister’s daughter or simplify as my cousin in the d.i.y. camp too. she was holding the responsibility to invite, contact and make arrangement of the celebrities (gary, raoyanting, yise) to our camp. she did well in hosting. at night, s1 gang (me, songchiang, zhien, siaoping’ chat until late night, about 400 (in the morning?) of 23 august. knew some new friends from A6 and one from ‘A7′. although we talked for a while, i got contact number of one guy from them. ‘0165566183′. lols. 5566 + 183 ? they gave this number to every other participants of 30-hour famine during the journey back from bukit jalir. by the way, feel so sorry to ‘mama’ suyeian who walked to us about 20 times to ask us go sleep. the next day zoonhoong and siaoping go back home. most probably went eat while waiting for siaoping’s transport. then we departed to stadium. although this year malaysia is attacked by h1n1 virus, but there’s more participants went gather there, about 7000. by the way i feel curious on the race of participants of the event. i saw most of them (about 99%) are chinese. ’satu malaysia’? our body temperature is checked before going in. this year the countdown event was held in indoor, may be caused of last year’s heavy rain. saw a lot of tiong hua kok bin’s campers, which mostly from my school especially those in krs and their ex-seniors. of course include my juniors and same batch partners there, who complained that the hall is too cold. what they felt is just as same as when i was taking my upsr 5 years ago. saw a lot of celebrities there. and the superstar a-mei from taiwan sang 3 songs. during her performance the atmosphere is so high and excited. after countdown event ended and we celebrated it by drinking v-soy multi grain. tastes not bad. during the event i didn’t feel hunger, instead i feel tiring during the afternoon of second day. for everyone’s information, the night before the camp i slept at 230++ and the first day of camp i slept at 400++. i’m good enough in resisting tiredness as only at the afternoon of 23 august i felt tired. now, i should try my very best to revise for trial and gerak gempur.

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every people have their own definition of life. it’s very specific. most probably we can’t find someone who has exactly same definition of life with us. if you did, congratulation, he/she will be your very best friend through your life. although may not be the very close one, but surely is the one who you can trust and depend on. this is why a real friend is hard to be find. your current friend may not share same opinion of life with you, but they are the people who willing to share everything in their life with you. helping and supporting each other, sharing everything including happiness and sadness. no one is same in this world. people come together when destiny goes around them. appreciate every friend of you. although you have quarreled before, don’t take it too serious. everyone has their own opinion towards something but don’t let these to affect relationship between people. if you dislike your friend because of his/her bad quality (what you can’t accept and practise for your life),  don’t think and feel that the relationship is cracking. it’s a normal and most common thing which able to make relationships crack but if both sides are determine enough to protect the relationship, there will be nothing that can break the relationship. learn to accept weakness of your friend, because they too practising it too. that’s why a relationship can last, where trust occurs. you may not meet someone like any of your friends now in the future, so appreciate everyone of them besides knowing new friends.

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my same  batch ajk, the secretary said about me in her blog:

我听到了很多得不好的事…
令我的心情跌到了谷底…
下个星期就是agm了…
还以为所有的事都settle了…
但并不是这样的…
原来在外面KHGG是如此pekcek…
我没想到会这样的…
这让KHGG的形象大受大折…
我觉得这项传言不可能是真的…
我也不知道谁要重伤我们…
而且他们的目的是什么…
更terrible的是…
一个已经辞职…
也说agm不会回来了…
而且已quit guide 的…
竟然还有脸说要回来出席guide 的agm…
真的是一个很会出尔反尔的人…
还亏你之前还拿了这样高的职位…
气!!!

i made a reply on this post, which is the truth:

1st.
she told her leader that she MAY NOT be back. not SURELY WONT BE BACK. and something important is she too said she will go back ONLY WITH INVITATION. she then receive invitation from juniors using name of khgg, why cant she go back?

check in detail before make conclusion.

2nd.
resign DOESNT mean quit. it’s 2 different things.

check the truth of any rumors before making final conclusion. don’t assume, as well as do blaming.

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my comment on this:
people do blaming when misunderstanding and hatred occur.

煮豆持作羹, 漉豉以为汁.
萁在釜下燃, 豆在釜中泣.
本自同根生, 相煎何太急？

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i like mathematics but not till i can write a post on area and volume. area stands for surface that people know through observation without deep thinking. volume stands for inner attitude and personality after a period of interaction and communication. people often see area but not volume. for me, outsider will never be more clear on internal affairs than insider. anyway there’s a mutualism relationship between these 2 characters. insider often get confused and need outsider’s opinion. what’s helping them of the advice is not the function as guide to the solution, instead as a practical tool to help them to have their mind clear and make a appropriate decision which is good for all sides. normally people don’t pay effort and unable to see the volume of a person who is not so close to them or they are not so concerning on. when people start to try their best to gain better knowledge on others they care about but not knowing very well, they feel it’s a tough task. indeed, because it can’t be done very well by anyone in my opinion. some people may able to predict what action will others take in a condition, but surely not what’s in the mind. people change with time, and different thoughts are stuck to the changes. every changes make one to be more mature or immature. the immature mentioned are irrational and blurred thoughts occur temporary that manipulate one’s heart. some cases ended in the supposed way, which is change to more mature although it takes longer path to achieve  the same effect. but it’s worth as in future you’ll have confidence and determination when facing the same case. while some cases ended with permanent paralysis due to accidents during surgery. the illness supposed to be treated to recovery but accidents which are unavoidable and some indirectly caused by stupidity occur during the process, surgery or treatment. thus a longer way is taken too but it repays an opposite effect. that’s what called ‘走火入魔’. hatred is a factor leads to that unwanted condition that will make one to regret forever. don’t keep hatred, it’s a poisonous gas. keep love, it’s oxygen. we may not know what and when will be the effect we breath in poison, but surely we can’t be lack of oxygen. make a wiser choice.

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guide’s annual general meeting (agm) is just around the corner, tomorrow will be the day. i supposed to be a bit eager and reluctant but i experienced all these 2 months ago. no doubt it’s a right decision although many people still can’t adapt to the changes occurred, ‘a senior is gone from the unit’ with no alarm. at the moment i left, i had no confidence. if i had i will never do the decision. who is willing to leave a comfortable and memorable place like home? no one but i was forced to do it. i had no confidence to stand straight after hearing what some people told me, because there was once my seniors told me the same thing ‘i’m trying to take others jobs’. mostly i won’t do so, and if i did, it’s to ensure the quality of an event. many people know that deep in their heart. i respect my seniors very much, some are my idols which lead me by their words and acts. what they told had made a great effect on me as well as my life in guide. they told me that during last year’s interview. i thought i did very wrong that time, although i felt a bit weird on on the advices and suggestions given. some weakness had been magnified seems to cover good qualities. few months after that, when problems occurred and the leader was unable to solve the problem, she told me the truth behind. some people misuse trust given by seniors to them, talk things which is very subjective, highlight and magnify my weakness and repeat throughout the important talk. it’s a very efficient way if it’s used to prepare examinations. i have experienced things that many people may not face at this age. are these called betrayals? selfishness encourage people to overpower others using wrong ways. it’s blackness in society. even 3 years old kid knows the ways to gain compassion from parents. the world has fell sick, a very freak one. blackness of the society has became a black hole that slowly pull the world inside. no one know what will happen to thw world later but it will be untreatable surely. even in a unit which all of the ajks have the same hope ‘lead the unit towards betterment’ has numerous jealousies that lead to tricks, lies and arguments. since the first day i was in the unit until the last second of my service, i practise a very simple principle, ‘do the best of mine’. i’m an insider but i would never tell people these if i’m not sure about. yesterday these grey memories flow through my mind. a bit coincidentally, i found that i’m not that bad as some people thought of me. those who support you always hide their feelings and thoughts deeply inside their heart, no matter how you perform, well or terribly. a guy who i never met before gave me a very precious lesson. thanks to him and to my juniors as well, for they never forget me as their senior. form4s, form3s form2s and even form1s. form2s are always so adorable. they gave me invitation letter for twice. unreasonably they were blamed by some people who don’t hope for my appearance tomorrow. i’m helpless when i first heard this. i had resigned and why some people still discussing on these useless and meaningless issues? hopeless. nothing can repair our relationships. i don’t spoil it, they did.

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